[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin tonight in South Carolina,
home of ancestors
that you may not want to look up on ancestry.com.
South Carolina held their Republican primary last night,
and Donald Trump won big,
which was all the more impressive
considering what had happened earlier in the week.
- Donald Trump is now in a very nasty feud with the pope.
Sciutto: Here's what Francis had to say.
I'm quoting here:
- Yes, this week saw a battle
between an infallible force and an illogical object,
and it was amazing.
The most inclusive pope in recent history
questioned Trump's faith,
which, I guess, means the pope feels Donald Trump
is not my Christian.
[cheers and applause]
And yet-- and yet Trump still won.
He still won,
although perhaps the even bigger news last night
was what South Carolina did to Jeb Bush,
the side of plain white rice that nobody ordered.
Jeb Bush dropped out last night after finishing fourth,
despite really pulling out all the stops
in South Carolina this week.
Berman: Barbara Bush appearing with son Jeb Bush
on the campaign trail.
Is she the closer?
- No. [laughter]
No.
She could not be the closer.
You bring on the closer when you have a lead.
When your campaign is where Jeb Bush's was,
you don't need a closer; you need a fucking coroner.
And, look, I--I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I kind of feel bad for Jeb Bush,
because not only did he bring his mom along
to help him campaign;
just wait until you hear what she said about him.
- What's left for me to say
is that Jeb has been a great son,
great father, great husband,
married well...
[laughter]
And is one of my four favorite sons.
- Ooh, no! [audience exclaiming]
[applause] No! Look.
I know--I know she's joking,
but that is literally what you say
about your fourth favorite son.
She actually went on to call him
"steady, honest, modest, and kind."
And his campaign was over right then and there,
because you know you've lost
when your own mother is selling you to America
like an unappealing blind date.
"He's steady. He's modest. He has a pet mouse.
"Honestly, he hasn't been with a woman in a long time,
and he really needs this, please."
So--so let--let's move on to the other big news here this week,
the Supreme Court, the only thing that rules more
than a crab with a knife in its claw.
[laughter]
You rule, stabby crabby. You rule.
[laughter]
Now, as we discussed last week,
the Republicans are saying they won't confirm
a replacement for Antonin Scalia
and spent this week refining their explanation for why,
starting within hours of Scalia's death.
- Well, we have 80 years of precedent
of not confirming Supreme Court justices in an election year.
- Okay, 80 years
of not confirming Supreme Court justices in election years.
The problem there, aside from the fact
that America is more than 80 years old,
is, he is forgetting Justice Kennedy,
who was confirmed in 1988,
although, in his defense, it is easy to forget that.
We confirmed a lot of things that year,
including the fact that Rick Astley
will neither give you up nor let you down
and that it's possible to produce
a crowd-pleasing blockbuster
in which a grown woman fucks a 13-year-old boy.
[laughter and applause]
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He didn't look 13?
Listen to yourselves!
[laughter]
Luckily, by Monday, others were aware
of this little factual problem and had some--
uh, they've made some corrections.
- Well, it's been more than 80 years--
I think about that long--
uh, since somebody was nominated in the president's last year.
- Okay, so more than 80 years
since someone was nominated in a president's last year.
That does get rid of Kennedy,
who was nominated in the previous year.
Unfortunately, it then lets in Fortas and Thornberry,
both nominated to Supreme Court positions in 1968,
which, mathematically, unhelpfully,
is less than 80 years ago.
And when you're off by 32 years,
you're off by an entire Adam Driver.
Still, still, still,
neither of them wound up being confirmed
in an election year,
which Ted Cruz undoubtedly had in his head
when he took another swing at that same argument.
- For the last 80 years, the Senate has not confirmed
any nominee nominated during an election year.
- Wow, that's intricate. [laughter]
For 80 years, the Senate has not confirmed any nominee
nominated in an election year,
and that is so close to being true.
Unfortunately... [laughter and applause]
Unfortunately... [cheers and applause]
It ignores Justice Brennan, nominated in 1956,
and Justice Murphy, nominated and confirmed in 1940.
So even by your own arbitrary 80-year time frame,
there are between one and five exceptions
to your own precedent.
You're basically a baker going,
"Oh, don't worry. There are no nuts in that...
"Except for walnuts, cashews,
"almonds, peanuts, and the stray pistachio.
Shit. I'll get my EpiPen."
[laughter]
Now, to be fair to Republican lawmakers,
they were under increasing pressure
not to capitulate this week,
when a group called the Judicial Crisis Network
started releasing ads targeting them.
woman: It's "we the people."
Sometimes the politicians forget that.
The Supreme Court has a vacancy,
and your vote in November is your only voice.
This isn't about Republicans or Democrats.
It's about your voice.
You choose the next president.
The next president chooses the next justice.
- No.
The current president chooses the next justice.
We still have a current president that we chose.
And I--I hate--I hate to sound like your dad here--
[cheers and applause] I hate to sound like your dad,
but you can't open a new president
when we've got a perfectly good president already open.
Finish the old president first!
[laughter]
But we--we thought-- we actually thought
something looked a little odd about that ad,
so we checked, and it turns out that the people in it
are not actual people; they are stock footage people.
Here is the construction worker,
whose clip is available for $199.
Here is "Adorable African- American Family Portrait,"
and here's "Asian Family In Front of Home, Portrait."
And if you are going to use stock clips,
there are so many more interesting ones out there.
How about this footage of a man
creepily listening to a dangerous seashell?
Or this frankly bizarre clip
of businesspeople congratulating each other
while an emotionless serial killer
stares you down in the foreground?
Or this one, whose actual title is
"Skeleton Disagrees With His Wife About the Issue"?
That's real.
All of those clips are available,
and that is the problem.
If you use stock footage for a "we the people" ad,
anyone can use those exact same people
to make the exact opposite point.
[laughter]
Please enjoy. [laughter and applause]
woman: We are the American people,
and we deserve to have our voices heard,
whether we are construction workers,
a generic Asian family,
a team of doctors laughing over your cancer diagnosis,
an unattended baby surrounded by pigeons,
or a baboon on a cell phone.
And the good news for us is,
we had our voices heard three years ago.
So now it's time to let the guy we chose choose someone,
because that's how America works.
So please respect the will of the people,
whether we're a businessman on a swing,
a witch who appreciates the magic of autumn,
or, again, a baboon on a cell phone
who is now relaying a message.
The point is, we the people want you the politicians
to do your fucking job.
[cheers and applause]
- Now, that is a political ad.
And now this.
man: And now "Last Week Tonight" asks,
"How is this still a thing?"
This week, Hollywood whitewashing.
How is this still a thing?
In just one week, we'll celebrate the Academy Awards.
They promise to be controversial,
as, for the second year running,
the nominees are whiter
than a yeti in a snowstorm
fighting Tilda Swinton.
And yet some are arguing
it's not entirely the Academy's fault.
- Some observers say Hollywood just doesn't provide
enough good roles for black actors.
man: One of the reasons for this might be
that even when there are roles for nonwhite actors,
they sometimes still get played by white people.
woman: In "Prince of Persia,"
based on a video game set in ancient Iran,
Jake Gyllenhaal plays the title character.
man: That's right.
Jake Gyllenhaal, a white American
with a Swedish last name,
was cast to play the prince of Persia
from, you know, Persia.
And he's far from alone.
Just last year, Emma Stone
played the half-Asian Allison Ng
in "Aloha."
- [speaks foreign language]
man: Apparently "aloha" means "hello," "good-bye,"
and "you've got to be fucking kidding me."
And when Hollywood needed actors to play Egyptians
in "Exodus: Gods and Kings,"
it knew just what to do.
man: Moses, Ramses,
you grew up together close as brothers.
man: That was a guy from Australia
and a guy from Britain
pretending to be two guys from Egypt,
a country in Africa.
and if you like that,
don't miss "Gods of Egypt" opening Friday,
starring a Scottish guy.
- I shall be your one true god.
man: Wow, that's the whitest Egyptian since these four.
- * Walk like an Egyptian
man: All of this is nothing new.
White actors have taken roles designed for every ethnicity
throughout Hollywood history,
from John Wayne as Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror"...
- Your treacherous head is not safe on your shoulders.
man: To the non-Puerto Rican Natalie Wood
as Maria in "West Side Story"...
- Buenos noches.
man: To the multiple instances
of white actors playing Asian characters,
from Marlon Brando...
- Sakini by name,
interpreter by profession.
[exotic music]
man: To, of course, this.
- You cannot go on and keep ringing my bell!
man: It's a performance "The New York Times" in 1961
actually praised as "broadly exotic."
Seriously.
Yes, there's no shortage of roles
for white actors playing nonwhite characters.
The historical figure you're playing wasn't white?
Not a problem.
The contemporary figure you're playing wasn't white?
Not a problem.
The cartoon the movie was based on
was entirely about nonwhite people?
Not a problem.
Your characters are named Esteban and Clara Trueba
in the Isabel Allende novel the movie is based on?
Right this way, Jeremy Irons and Meryl Streep.
And even when a nonwhite person does score a major role,
when they make the porn parody,
guess what happens.
- Don't worry. I got this one.
- No, Glenn.
Put your dick away.
man: And when filmmakers get called out on whitewashing,
the justification has less to do with black and white
and more to do with green.
man: Director Ridley Scott
told "Variety" magazine
he can't mount a $140-million film
"and say that my lead actor
is Mohammed so-and-so from such and such."
man: Yeah, you needed the white hot star power
of whoever the fuck this guy is.
And maybe all of this would be less egregious
if any time an actor of color
took on a traditionally white role,
half the country didn't go apeshit.
- The appearance of a black stormtrooper
in the first trailer for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"
is causing a lot of chatter on social media,
even some racist comments.
- Several people were apparently upset
that the actress playing the character is African-American.
man: He'd be the first black Bond.
The author of those Bond novels saying Elba is too "street."
man: Yes, if you're black, even if you're an actor
who sometimes dresses like French Waldo,
people will still say you're too street.
And this isn't even getting into
how movies about minorities
will still put white people in the foreground.
How are we supposed to believe Tom Cruise is the last samurai?
This guy is the last samurai?
This guy?
This guy is the last samurai?
This guy?
This guy is the last samurai?
Fuck you.
So when you hear people say the Oscars are so white
because the roles aren't there, just remember,
the Academy gave Oscars for characters named O-lan,
Billy Quan, and Luis Molina
to actors named Luise, Linda, and William,
all of which is enough to make you ask,
"Hollywood whitewashing, how is this still a thing?"
[cheers and applause]
- Moving on.
Our, uh--our main story tonight concerns breast implants.
Uh, some are against them;
others believe they're fine in rare cases;
and many believe you should be able to get them
whenever the fuck you want.
[laughter and cheers]
Sorry, did I say breast implants?
I meant abortions.
Tonight's main topic... [cheers and applause]
Concerns abortions.
And, look, before--before you change the channel,
before you change the channel,
I know this is a polarizing topic,
although, interestingly, when the website Vox
asked people in the street for their opinions,
the issue wasn't quite as binary as it's usually presented.
- If I had to pick, I would say that I'm pro-choice.
But personally I'm more on a-- on a--somewhere in the middle.
- I wouldn't, but I can't choose for other people.
- I'm--what do you call it? Uh, pro-life.
I think when a baby gets a heartbeat,
that should be the cutoff point, but that's just my stance.
I'm not the kind of guy like
I want everyone to follow my stance.
- Okay, well, not needing anyone to follow your stance
is a healthy attitude to abortion,
and it's also a terrible attitude
with which to lead the Rockettes.
You do you, Bethany. You do you, girl.
[laughter] You do you.
The truth is,
people's opinions on abortion make up a spectrum,
but most of us believe it should be legal
in at least a few circumstances.
In fact, only 19% of Americans told Gallup
they thought it should be completely illegal.
And if you are in that 19%,
you are frankly excused from watching the rest of this.
But--but--but do rejoin us at 11:29,
because once I'm done talking about this,
we'll all be watching a video featuring a bucket of sloths.
And--and I promise you, it is almost violently delightful.
[laughter]
But until that time,
the rest of us really do need to talk about abortion laws,
because wherever you are on this spectrum,
whether you, like me, believe that women
should have the right to choose, or whether you believe abortion
should only be allowed in a few circumstances,
then this story should concern you,
and here is why.
Since 2010, new state laws have contributed
to the closure of about 70 abortion clinics,
and these four states
are down to exactly one abortion clinic each.
That's right, Mississippi now has four times as many esses
as it has abortion clinics.
And if you're thinking, "How is that possible?"
well, it's in no small part
because the key Supreme Court decision concerning abortion
is no longer Roe versus Wade;
it's the 1992 Planned Parenthood versus Casey ruling
that said states can create restrictions
as long as they don't place
"an undue burden that places a substantial obstacle
in the path of a woman seeking an abortion,"
meaning women can be asked to jump through a few hoops,
just not too many,
which might sound a little less insulting
if those weren't also the rules for a dog agility course.
[laughter]
And the vagueness of that ruling
has allowed states to introduce dozens
of what some have called TRAP laws,
or Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers,
though their supporters, to an eerie degree,
all characterize them somewhat differently.
- This is really about the issue of women's health.
- We're protecting women's health and safety.
- We are protecting women's health.
- I just wanted to reiterate that this is really
all about protecting the health and safety of women.
- Yeah, but when you're that insistent about women's health,
it starts to sound suspicious.
It's like having a folder on your computer
called "Definitely not porn."
[laughter] You're not fooling anyone.
You're asking more questions than you're answering.
So--so--so let's take a look
at what these laws actually do for women's health,
starting with Texas's HB 2,
which passed in 2013 and had two key stipulations.
man: It requires abortion clinics
to meet the same building standards
as outpatient surgical centers and requires their doctors
to have hospital admitting privileges.
- Okay, now, hospital admitting privileges
and high building standards sound great,
until you realize what they actually mean,
sort of how "Moondance" sounds like
a lovely night of romance and whimsy
but really means "having sex with Van Morrison."
And that's not what you signed up for.
Because the outpatient surgical center requirement
can be difficult to fulfill,
as this Texas clinic discovered.
- Explain again why it's gonna be shut down.
Because this isn't wide enough?
- Yeah, 'cause right now, the walls that we have,
they're about 3 feet wide,
and to be an ASC, it has to be 8 feet wide.
- Now, I'm not saying width isn't important.
In fact, in some circumstances,
it's far more important than length...
is a thing that I have heard.
[laughter and applause]
Penises. I'm talking about penises.
But--but that 8-foot requirement
is wide enough for two surgical gurneys
to pass one another in a corridor,
which is just not something that is likely to happen
at a small abortion clinic.
About 90% of abortions occur in the first trimester,
when they are generally nonsurgical procedures
with no cutting and only mild sedation.
They usually involve suction or just taking medication,
neither of which require a large surgical facility.
You don't need an operating room to take a pill,
which is a good thing, because you wouldn't want
an entire surgical team scrubbing in
every time Larry King needed a boner.
[laughter]
They'll get tired.
And--and as for Texas's law
that doctors have admitting privileges at a local hospital,
a requirement ten other states have also passed,
that can shut a clinic down, because many hospitals,
for financial or political reasons,
won't grant them to a doctor who performs abortions.
And, again, defenders of these laws
will say they have a simple purpose.
- By requiring that abortionists obtain
admitting privileges at local hospitals,
we are protecting women's health.
- Yeah, but are you, though?
Because it's worth noting both the AMA
and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
have argued "there is simply no medical basis
for requiring local admitting privileges,"
which does make sense,
because hospitals will see anyone.
They'll see you if you've gotten
an Elmo PEZ Dispenser stuck in your butt.
They'll have questions for you, but they will see you.
They'll see you, they'll question you,
and later, they may laugh at you.
And--and while we are on the subject of safety,
legal abortions have a mortality rate of 0.00073%.
That is nearly ten times less
than what one study found was the risk for dying
as the result of a colonoscopy.
And let's agree, by the way, all of us,
death by colonoscopy has to be one of the worst ways to die,
right after having your mother catch you masturbating
and, while you're trying to pull your pants up,
you fall and hit your head
so your dad has to carry you pantsless to the car
to take you to the hospital
and the girl next door you have a crush on tries to help
but she's laughing so hard at the size of your penis
that she closes the door on your hand,
startling your mother, who slams her foot on the gas,
dragging you behind the car for several blocks
while your father yells, "Your TV show is derivative,
and you'll never escape the shadow of Jon Stewart."
That's-- [cheers and applause]
That's-- that's what we're all--
that's what we're all afraid of, right?
That's what we're all pretty--
That's right. That's a general fear.
And--and look.
If admitting privileges
are so important for continuity of care,
it is weird that you don't need them in Texas
to run a birthing center,
even though one study found that 12% of women
admitted to birthing centers
wound up being transferred to a hospital.
So Texas will shut down an abortion clinic
for having walls too close together,
but if you want to give birth in a tub
surrounded by mood lighting, potpourri,
and the music of Bon Iver,
no one will say anything other than,
"Just take it down a notch."
[laughter]
And proponents of these laws
will point to a few notorious cases,
like the clinic run by Kermit Gosnell in Pennsylvania,
who wound up being convicted of murder,
although, for the record,
his clinic had not been inspected for 17 years,
which it absolutely should have been.
They didn't need new laws
so much as they needed to bother to enforce the ones they had.
Putting absurd new restrictions on all clinics
because of Kermit Gosnell
is like seeing that photo of a Taco Bell employee
licking the food and saying,
"Okay, all restaurants have to have corridors
that are 8 feet wide."
What? Hold on.
That's gonna shut down
most of the restaurants in the country,
and you've done nothing to address the root problem here.
And--and some of these laws have nothing whatsoever
to do with clinic safety,
like the ones that force doctors like Willie Parker
to actively spread misinformation.
- The state requires me
to cover some very basic information with you.
First, the state requires me to tell you
that if you're having an abortion,
there's the possibility to having complications.
There's a risk of bleeding. There's a risk of infection.
There's a risk of damage to any of your organs.
But guess what.
Those are all the exact same risks
from continuing a pregnancy and going to term.
The final thing that I have to tell you
that I don't agree with but I have to tell you anyway:
having an abortion can increase your risk for breast cancer.
There is not a shred of scientific evidence
to prove that.
They can require me to tell you the first part,
but they-- they can't stop me
from giving you my best medical opinion,
and that is that there's no increased risk
for breast cancer from an abortion.
[laughter and cheers]
- It--it must be so weird--
It must be-- [cheers and applause]
It must be weird for a woman to witness her medical professional
forced to play a game of "good doctor, bad doctor."
"Okay, time for your tetanus booster."
"No! Those cause autism!"
"Well, there's not a shred
"of scientific evidence to prove that.
Bad doctor. Bad, bad doctor."
In addition, some states have passed laws
requiring providers to show and describe an ultrasound image
whether a woman wants to see that or not.
And when North Carolina was defending such a law,
this was how they attempted to soften that.
woman: The proposed law says if a woman wishes
not to see the ultrasound or hear the fetal heartbeat,
she may cover her ears and eyes and refuse to listen.
woman: Oh, my God.
- Oh, great.
So North Carolina tried to give women
viewing ultrasounds the same option
as women trying to watch John Travolta's performance
in the new O.J. Simpson show.
Oh, my God!
What is he doing?
Ah, does he think Robert Shapiro
was a sad clown in a Baz Luhrmann movie?
I didn't want to watch this! Why are you making me?
[laughter]
And some other clinics enter into a bureaucratic war
as a result of these laws.
Take this clinic in Alabama.
It was shut down after not being able to meet
the new building codes Alabama had forced upon it.
But instead of giving up,
the owner cashed in his retirement savings
to open a new facility
that complied completely with the law,
and that is when Alabama started targeting him directly.
Johnson: I've spent close to $1 million
to meet all of their requirements.
And you think you're done, and what are they trying to do?
They're trying to pass another bill
that said I can't be in 2,000 feet of a school.
They're treating me, the patients,
the physicians as sex offenders.
- Wha--they're--
they're treating someone like a sex offender
when he clearly isn't one.
It's a move that's now commonly known
as a "reverse Cosby."
And--and look. [laughter and applause]
And look. If you are thinking,
if you are thinking, "But, John, when a clinic closes,
can't women just travel further?"
you should know there are now mandatory waiting periods
in 27 states, some up to 72 hours
between an initial consult and an abortion.
So women can be forced to either take multiple trips
or plan the shittiest three-day weekend imaginable.
And if that's not possible,
they can end up making desperate decisions.
Listen to one clinic administrator
describe a call from a patient.
- I told her, "You can come to San Antonio,
we can help you here," and she said,
"I can't. I-- I don't have the means.
"There is no way I can get to San Antonio.
"So what if I tell you
"what I have in my kitchen cabinet,
and you tell me what I could do?"
- "I'll tell you what I have in my kitchen cabinet,
and you can tell me what I can do."
When your state's abortion laws are forcing people
into the most depressing Quickfire challenge
in "Top Chef" history,
I think it's safe to say they've gone too fucking far.
Because here is the thing.
Abortion cannot just be theoretically legal;
it has to be literally accessible.
And remember, every single one of us
watching this right now-- [cheers and applause]
Every--every single one of us watching right now
agrees that it should be legal,
at the very least in a few extreme circumstances.
Say, hypothetically,
a young girl has been the victim of sexual assault.
Well, thanks to these laws,
this hypothetical girl might have to travel a long distance
because there were no clinics close to her.
And, again, thanks to these laws,
the girl might be approaching the point
where her states won't let her get the procedure at all.
Well, sadly, none of that is hypothetical,
and I'll let a Texas clinic director tell you the rest.
- In order to see her, I need to put her to sleep,
and in order to do that, I need a nurse anesthetist,
and because of this crazy law,
it is impossible to find people to work for us.
She's 13 years old, and she is a victim of rape,
and she drove four hours from McAllen to San Antonio,
and we had to turn her away.
And there was nothing I could do to save her.
And so now if she has a procedure--
and that "if" is huge--
she'll have to go all the way to New Mexico
and pay $5,000 and get there
and spend three days.
It'll never happen.
We know it won't.
- And at that point,
we have sentenced a child to motherhood.
Now, that specific provider, Whole Woman's Health,
is actually at the center of a Supreme Court case
that will be heard next month.
If it's a four-four tie, the Texas laws stand.
So the best hope is that Justice Kennedy,
seen here in dog form straightening his tie,
will see Texas's regulation as an "undue burden."
This whole situation is basically in his paws now.
Meanwhile, Florida is drafting similar TRAP laws,
and the law in Alabama
that would close that one clinic near a school
will be introduced to committee later this week.
And if all this has made you sad or angry,
then you should really keep an eye on these laws.
And if you don't have a problem with the current situation,
then, well, it is 11:29.
Welcome back. Thanks for rejoining us, 19%.
Uh, quick question.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
[cheers and applause] But--but--
No, no, no, no. You know what?
Know what? Putting that aside,
I did promise. I made--I made a promise.
I promised everyone sloths in a bucket,
and that is what you are going to see,
although if you are in that 19%,
I'm gonna have to insist that you cover your ears and eyes
and refuse to listen. [cheers and applause]
For everyone else,
it is sloth o'clock.
[laid-back instrumental music]
*
[laughter]
You are very welcome.
Now, look. I know-- [cheers and applause]
I know this story has not been the ideal way for anyone
to go to sleep on a Sunday night,
but we thought that this was something
you should really know about.
And the only way that I can make it right
is to give you the absolutely ideal way to go to sleep:
an actual sloth in a nightcap.
[cheers and applause] Here she is.
Thank you so much for watching the show!
Good night!
There you go.
Good girl. Good girl.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
[laid-back instrumental music]
[unintelligible]
*
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
*
[bright tone]